Non Timetis Messor
by Fool's Gold -Pyrite
Summary: When Death comes for Kaji, you can expect the stakes to rise. A Discworld:Evangelion crossover. (Blasted formatting.)


Non Timetis Messor

By Fool's Gold

Disclaimer:

Neon Genesis Evangelion is the property of Studio Gainax.

Death comes for all of us in the end, but this incarnation (along with all the rest of the Discworld) is the property of Terry Pratchett.

No profit has been made from this fic.

* * *

Dark deeds were always plotted within the confines of dark rooms. It was always necessary to plan the most nefarious of schemes in a cavernous secret chamber, complete with inefficient floor-based lighting and a musty air of treachery. Perhaps it helped the plots to ferment into a state of corrupt vileness. 

The obelisks standing in the middle of the room weren't much better. It helped that they were arranged around the room in an orderly, circular manner, but the beings who created the room never gave any thought to the visibility of black structures against a black backdrop. It certainly didn't help the poor fool who blundered into the room for an interrogation… not that they cared, of course.

Out of the darkness, the words "SEELE 06 – Sound Only" appeared, lettered in a dull, glowing red.

_So, our pawn has turned against us._

It was no human that spoke – the words that came forth were akin to a madman's 'voices', suggestions and dark commands that would drive any mortal mad. And though these beings were not mortals, yet they were well and truly mad.

Another panel lit up, this time illuminating the words, "SEELE 08 – Sound Only".

_It is no matter. He shall be eliminated, like all the others._

One after another, the panels began to activate, painting the room a midnight shade of red with their sickly light. Apparently, they didn't have much originality when it came to names either. And it slowly became apparent, if there had been any to observe, that the voices did not come from the giant obelisks within the room, but from the grey shadows that lurked inoffensively behind them.

_These filthy humans know nothing but betrayal – this pawn will be a liability._

_He has no respect for his superiors: the fool is irreverent._

_We must remove him as soon as possible._

_Yes. The man must die._

One 'voice' rose from the midst of the cacophony, a voice practically indistinguishable from the rest. But this time, it rose from behind the structure labelled "SEELE 01".

To the rest of the world, the figure behind the structure was a man named Lorenz Keel, a cold, aloof megalomaniac bent on 'redeeming' the world by changing humanity. They were right on all counts, except for the part which said "man". No one could possibly have known what lay behind the hologram that served as the façade for this creature.

_So, are we agreed?_

Like a Greek chorus, the grey shadows replied, _Yes._ But the ghostly echoes had barely died away before a voice of dissent spoke.

_What of the one who has strived against us time and again?_

The shadows murmured. Yes, this would be a problem. He was in constant opposition to them, foiling them at every turn. Just as they bent the universal rules to further their cause, he bent them back: he twisted the rules back in their direction and grinned in their faces as their plans came to naught.

But they had learnt. They had spent the better part of fifteen years watching and waiting, carefully turning the pathetic plots of humans to speed their downfall. After all, they reasoned, humans would eventually destroy themselves. All they were doing was to give them a little push in the right direction. And if the right direction was off the edge of a cliff, they would simply push a little harder.

_He is not a problem. We have reached the critical stage of this venture – soon, not even he will be able to stop it._

The dissenting voice spoke again, unconvinced.

_But still, I don't think we should be so hasty. I mean, he's done it before, hasn't he? In my opinion, he's not to be taken lightly –_

_How many times have you said the word, "I"?_

_Oh sh-_

The lighted words on the front of the dissenter's obelisk dimmed momentarily as the grey shadow behind it winked out of existence, and another identical shade appeared in its place.

_Sloppy. We cannot tolerate error in this enterprise. So, shall we send our traitorous pawn to meet the enemy? All those in favour, say "aye"._

There was an embarrassed silence.

_Ahem… "Agreed"._

_Agreed._

* * *

Two men entered an alleyway, and only one returned. 

It wasn't as though the alley had a reputation for eating people alive; they hadn't lost a single person in it ever since the blackout, when the ventilator fan started up while NERV Technician Kiri Kizamu was inspecting it. They'd filed his case under the category of "Missing", sub-category "Assorted body parts".

But tonight, murder was on the cards. A shot rang out, and the assassin departed, leaving a dead man in the alley with blood on his chest.

Ryouji Kaji regarded the scene with passive eyes. He'd expected it, of course; he'd known too much about SEELE's plans to be allowed to live, and releasing the Vice-Commander had more or less sealed his fate. So, he did what he had to do – he'd left Misato all his data, recorded some lame apologies, and fumbled over the instructions to water his 'flowers' when he'd meant 'melons'.

All things considered, it had been a pretty satisfying life. He ran through a mental list of things which he had intended to do before he died, none of which he had actually intended on doing any time in the near future.

Money? Check. Working for three organisations had its perks, one of which happened to be "three paychecks for the same job".

Action? Check. He'd lived through Second Impact, he'd seen too many Angel attacks to really care any more, he'd lived on the adrenaline rush of playing his employers against each other… He'd even endured Misato's cooking and driving! Yes, he'd definitely had more than his fair share of excitement.

The love of a beautiful woman… Ah, therein lay the problem. He hated the idea of leaving Misato so abruptly, with nothing except a disk full of data, a cloud of suspicion, and the memories of torrid nights and days of regret. (And the melons.) But of course, there was nothing he could do except to leave a final message for her, one that was too short and not sweet at all. So much for the words said eight years ago.

So that was the second item on his list of regrets, falling just behind "Find out just what the hell everyone's up to." He snorted derisively at his former idealism – what were the chances of actually untangling the web of deceit that those senile old men had spun? He'd soon found that it was much easier to make an educated guess from the evidence given. For starters, you could at least come up with something concrete before dying.

What was the third thing again? Oh, right. "Spit in Death's eye."

_Where is he, anyway? He should be here by now – I'm usually the one who keeps him waiting._

And as if on cue, a dark spectre emerged from the shadows, unseen by mortal eyes, and resolved itself into a figure that was vaguely human.

The newcomer was wrapped in night and shadow, his eyes blue flames blazing in empty eye-sockets. From within the folds of his cloak, an occasional flash of dull ivory was revealed; the bones of a skeleton, old beyond the infinite, lay hidden beneath it. And bony hands gripped the ebony shaft of a scythe tipped with an ethereal blade, sharp enough to divest the soul completely from its fleshly tent. Any living mortal would have cowered in terror and soiled his pants. But Ryouji Kaji was no ordinary living mortal… especially since he no longer qualified on the second count.

The black-robed spectre loomed over him, larger than life, and shot him a glare that would have stopped any living creature dead in its tracks. Its effect on anything of the other ilk, though, was drastically reduced. Kaji smirked and gave him a welcoming wave, and was greeted with a toothy grin which was derived more from a lack of alternatives than any actual degree of friendliness.

"You're a little late."

AN ANTHROPOMORPHIC PERSONIFICATION IS NEVER LATE, RYOUJI KAJI, NOR IS HE EARLY. AND YOU SHOULD KNOW BETTER THAN TO SKULK AROUND IN DARK ALLEYWAYS. The graven voice that replied sounded slightly annoyed.

"Excuses, excuses."

YOU DON'T SEEM ALL THAT SURPRISED.

"Why should I be? I'm pretty much used to seeing your face by now. And you seemed rather disappointed the last time during the Angel attack, seeing as how you had to settle for a civilian and a couple of melons." He gave Death a rakish smile. "Anyway, it's over now, isn't it? Lived life to the fullest, said my goodbyes, and ended it quickly and painlessly. That's how it should be."

SO IT SHOULD.

"Yeah, it should."

_So why do I still have regrets?_ Kaji mused, as the two figures stood silently in the darkness. _What was I searching for…? _

_Oh yes. The truth._ "So what happens now?"

THAT DEPENDS ON WHAT YOU BELIEVE IN –

"No, I mean, what's going to happen to the rest of the world? You know, with SEELE and Third Impact and all that." He shrugged, a gesture of defeat and incomprehension. "I mean, it's pretty evident what the crazy old coots are trying to do, with all their talk of 'the Complementation of humanity' and 'Instrumentality', but they never really went into the details."

AH. THAT. There was a tone to the voice that could almost have been mistaken for worry. THEY ARE TRYING TO ALTER THE COURSE OF EVENTS AGAIN.

"Who, SEELE? Of course they are –"

NO. THE BODY YOU KNOW AS SEELE IS NOT WHAT IT SEEMS TO BE. THERE ARE FORCES AT WORK BEYOND YOUR UNDERSTANDING, FAR MORE ANCIENT THAN YOUR 'ANGELS' AND DEAD SEA SCROLLS. THEY SEEK TO TRANSFORM YOUR WORLD INTO A PERFECT ONE OF THEIR OWN MAKING, THROUGH PURIFICATION AND PURGING.

Kaji mulled over this revelation for a moment. "Well, that sounds like SEELE anyway. But I thought they were doing this for the good of mankind. You know, with all their rhetoric about 'evolutionary dead ends'…"

THEY LIE. TO THEM, HUMANITY IS LITTLE MORE THAN AN ABERRATION, AN UNCHAINED MALADY THAT STANDS BETWEEN THEM AND THEIR PERFECT, UNCHANGING WORLD. THEIR IDEA OF PERFECTION IS TO CREATE AN IMMUTABLE WORLD FROM THE ASHES OF THE ONE THAT HUMANS HAVE MADE, AND THEY HAVE BROKEN THE RULES YET AGAIN TO FULFIL THEIR GOALS. IF THEY ARE NOT STOPPED, LIFE AS YOU KNOW IT WILL CEASE TO EXIST.

Kaji was horrified. The insane old men of SEELE had exceeded his initial assumptions by far – now he was being told that he was correct on the "insane" and the "old" bits, and only needed to scale it up by a few thousand times.

He didn't bother asking what the rules were, or what forces could possibly threaten the extinction of mankind; he was clearly out of his depth here, in a field where… concepts, if that was what he could call them, battled each other continuously across time and space. The machinations he'd seen in his career, the power-play between the three bodies he worked for, all seemed like child's play in the sandbox compared to this. And the consequences… the end results of such a plan would have been beyond anyone's worst nightmare.

It has often been said that being dead was the end of all worries.

_What rubbish._

But what did Death have to do with all this? And why would the Grim Reaper be so concerned over the fate of humanity?

"If the world is at stake, these guys aren't fooling around." He turned to Death, cursing his own futility. "So what's going to happen? Is there any hope for this world?"

I AM NOT AT LIBERTY TO TELL YOU.

"Yeah, right." A cloud of scepticism hung over Kaji's face. "You're supposed to know everything that occurs in the past, present and future. You obviously know what's going to happen. And it wouldn't hurt to tell me, now that I can't do anything, right?"

AND IT WOULD NOT HELP EITHER, RYOUJI KAJI. SUCH THINGS ARE NO LONGER YOUR CONCERN.

"But –"

WHAT BUSINESS HAVE THE DEAD WITH THE LIVING? OF WHAT USE IS THIS KNOWLEDGE TO YOU, IF YOU CAN DO NOTHING ABOUT IT? Death's voice was cold and unemotional, yet there was a hint of grim bewilderment, even mild amusement, at Kaji's refusal to admit his fate. They were always like that, never willing to admit that some things would have to end unfinished…

But Kaji rose squarely towards Death and stared at him coolly, almost daring the Great Leveller to deny him. It was a blank stare, one that he had used on all his superiors in the past to great effect, and he'd be damned if he passed up the chance to use it. In his mind, the final pieces of the jigsaw began to fall into place.

SEELE wanted perfection – they wanted humanity to return to the womb, for the rebirth of the human race. To do that, they planned to transform humanity into a collective consciousness. And what was a return to the womb? It was a place without joy or sorrow, without pleasure or pain…

Without life or Death.

And suddenly, it all made sense. (Well, except for Misato's alcohol-proof liver. Some things were best left unanswered.)

"Simple. I'm not the only one who's concerned about it. Got a light?" He fished into the ghost of his pocket and drew out a solitary wraith-like cigarette. "I originally planned to smoke this before I died, but that damned killer –" He jabbed the cigarette into an unwary Death's orbit, lighting it, "– wasn't one for courtesy. And neither am I." He returned the cigarette to his mouth, temporarily entertaining the question of the uselessness of smoking at this point. It didn't matter – he'd always been the type for dramatic flair, and he'd always wanted to go out with a bang.

_How ironic._

The two of them regarded each other, stone-faced and unyielding. Of course, Death had the ultimate poker-face, but Kaji wasn't too far behind, considering his lifetime of experience. Being dead also meant that you no longer had to worry about the beads of cold sweat getting into your eyes and ruining the effect.

"I'm not afraid of you." _Yeah, right._ "After all, I've diced with you more than once. And I know you could probably end this conversation here and now, with a flick of that scythe of yours. And after that little stunt of mine –" _A death-defying move, eh? _"­– you'd have all the more reason to cut me off from this plane."

Kaji took a long drag on the cigarette, grateful that the psychological effects of smoking still helped to mask the trembling of his ghostly hands.

"But you haven't."

"You have a share in the outcome too, don't you?" He smirked once more. "After all, you're not one to involve yourself in the affairs of mere mortals like us, except for the final farewell… Not unless your job was at stake."

The flames in Death's eyes flickered momentarily, an imperceptible sign of silent recognition, and Kaji knew that his gamble had paid off. He carried on, pressing the slight advantage with a vengeance, "You know that if SEELE succeeds, you'll be out of a job: there'll be no souls left on the planet for you to collect. And all life will be trapped in an infernal 'existence' where nothing exists – not even you."

The look in his eyes was now a piercing glare of forged steel.

"And these 'rules' that you speak of… You're bound by them, aren't you? They broke the rules, but you can't – all Hades would break loose if you did. Otherwise, you would have dealt with them long before. And you obviously have a reason for telling me all this; evidently, you don't believe in the saying that dead men tell no tales."

"So what's the deal, old boy? Can't cut it?"

There was an interminable pause before Death spoke again, and when he spoke, his voice was heavy and deliberate, like the slow tick of a pendulum.

FOR A HUMAN, YOU ARE REMARKABLY PERCEPTIVE.

"Thank you." He allowed himself a sardonic smirk; his guess had been correct.

There was a barely perceptible flash of blue in the darkness, and the smouldering tip of Kaji's cigarette fell slowly to the ground, followed shortly by the rest of the cigarette as it dropped from his open mouth.

Death slowly lowered his scythe.

YOU ARE, HOWEVER, BOTH IMPUDENT AND IMPRUDENT. I CAN SEE WHY THEY GOT RID OF YOU. If Death had incarnated in the form of a pretty girl with a penchant for the gothic, he would have exhibited a cheeky grin at this point. Unfortunately, he had to settle for a cheekless one. It would have to do: there was very little room for joking in his line of service, and gallows humour didn't count.

YOU ARE RIGHT, OF COURSE. I AM STILL BOUND BY THE RULES NOT TO INTERFERE, EVEN THOUGH THEY HAVE VIOLATED HUMANITY'S SANCTITY OVER AND OVER AGAIN. The grin remained, but the voice almost sounded… weary, if a being that lived beyond time's reach could ever be tired. BUT THEY CANNOT BE ALLOWED TO SUCCEED. IF THEY DO, THERE WILL BE NOTHING LEFT FOR YOUR KIND.

"I know. Without death, life is meaningless."

THANK YOU.

"I wasn't referring to you… wait." Kaji slapped his forehead in disgust. "I can't believe I let that slip. Anyway, what are you going to do now?"

NOTHING.

Kaji was stunned into speechlessness.

YES, I SHALL DO NOTHING. I AM NOT ALLOWED TO INTERFERE… NOT DIRECTLY, ANYWAY. BUT THERE ARE OTHERS WHO CAN.

"So why are you telling me all this…" Kaji's face contorted itself into a horrified grimace. "Wait. Don't tell me. You want me to get out there, as your spirit in the material world, and stop them like the hero in some cheesy horror novel. Is that it?"

CLOSE, BUT NO CIGARETTE.

"I can see that," Kaji muttered sourly, "but you're forgetting one little detail." He pointed to the corpse that lay on the ground before him. "Whatever you want me to do… I'm not exactly in any condition to do it. Even if you could bring me to life all over again, what's going to stop them from filling me with lead on sight? What do you want me to do in this form, drift into SEELE headquarters and drop a melon on Keel's head?"

The thought had been rather appealing, come to think of it, if it wasn't a waste of a good melon.

THERE WILL BE NO NEED FOR THAT. Death dismissed Kaji's objections with a wave of his skeletal hand. YOUR ROLE IN THIS BATTLE IS OVER.

"I don't get it."

LET ME PUT IT THIS WAY, RYOUJI KAJI. THE ACTIONS OF AN INDIVIDUAL CAN CHANGE THE FATE OF THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE, IF HE HAPPENS TO BE IN THE RIGHT PLACE AT THE RIGHT TIME.

YOURS WAS ONE SUCH CASE.

"Oh, really?" The tone of Kaji's voice suggested total disbelief rather than healthy scepticism. "Pull the other one, it's lying on the floor over there."

I DO NOT JEST, MR. KAJI. IF YOU HAD NOT SUCCEEDED IN COLLECTING ALL THAT INFORMATION, IF YOU HAD NOT PLAYED YOUR EMPLOYERS AGAINST EACH OTHER…YOUR WORLD WOULD BE NOTHING MORE THAN A DEAD ROCK ORBITING THE SUN. AS IT STANDS, THOUGH, YOUR ACTIONS MAY HAVE JUST SAVED HUMANITY FROM A FATE WORSE THAN ME.

AND IT WAS IN OUR INTERESTS THAT YOU LIVED LONG ENOUGH TO FINISH THE JOB.

If it was even possible, Death's grin seemed to grow a little wider.

DID YOU REALLY THINK THAT I WOULD LET YOU CHEAT ME? THE PEOPLE WHO DICE WITH ME DON'T USUALLY WIN – THOSE ARE MY DICE, AFTER ALL.

Kaji suddenly had a fleeting mental image in his mind from the time when the Angel ravaged NERV headquarters – _pink fuzzy dice, hanging from the bridle of a pale horse…were they loaded? More importantly, what was I smoking, and why wasn't I sharing any of it?_ He shook his head, and attempted unsuccessfully to concentrate on the situation at hand.

"But I thought you just said that you weren't allowed to interfere…" Kaji's protests were getting weaker, tempered by a dawning realisation of the impact of his duties.

TRUE. MY TASK IS MERELY TO USHER YOU OUT AT THE APPOINTED TIME… BUT NO SOONER THAN YOU HAVE TO. AFTER ALL, IT WOULD NOT BE SATISFACTORY IF PEOPLE SUDDENLY DIED BEFORE THEY WERE SUPPOSED TO, EH?

"Right…"

AS FOR YOUR SURVIVAL UP TO THIS POINT, LET'S JUST SAY THAT A CERTAIN LADY LOOKS UPON YOU WITH FAVOUR. I SHALL SAY NO MORE.

"Ah, I see." Overwhelmed by the sheer magnitude of the scheme which he had unknowingly been recruited into, Kaji was in no mood to argue. "So I've saved the world, is that it?"

THE DETAILS ARE STILL VAGUE, BUT I BELIEVE HUMANITY HOLDS THE ADVANTAGE NOW, THANKS TO YOU.

"Right. You know, you still haven't given me a straight answer. So why are you telling me all this?"

The blue fire in one of Death's eyes flickered for a brief moment – Kaji recognised it as a futile attempt at winking – and he spoke.

YOUR SERVICES SHOULD NOT GO UNRECOGNISED, MR. KAJI, EVEN THOUGH THE REST OF THE WORLD WOULD NOT CARE TO ACKNOWLEDGE YOUR EFFORTS. CONSIDER THIS TALK A… CONFIRMATION, SHALL WE SAY, THAT YOUR EFFORTS HAVE NOT BEEN IN VAIN.

"Oh." Kaji sagged to the ground, slumping against the foreleg of a white horse that had somehow sneaked up behind him. He grinned weakly, still dazed by the impact of this revelation. "You know, I still don't get it. But thanks anyway."

DON'T WORRY. YOU'LL HAVE THE REST OF ETERNITY TO FIGURE IT OUT.

"Yeah, yeah. Now get on with it, the suspense is killing me."

There was a gentle swing of the scythe, and Kaji's soul slowly dissipated, leaving nothing but the echo of his last words.

And after a while, Death spoke into the darkness.

IT WAS FOR HIS SAKE THAT I WITHHELD THE REST OF THE DETAILS.

He swung up onto the back of his steed, hefting his scythe across his bony shoulders.

IT WOULD NOT DO TO RUIN THINGS FOR HIM. HE HAS DONE MUCH FOR THIS WORLD, EVEN THOUGH HE MAY NOT UNDERSTAND IT, AND HE DOES NOT DESERVE THE ANGUISH WHICH I HAVE SEEN BEFORE ME.

FOR I SHALL BE VERY BUSY SOON.

The horseman sallied forth into the night.

* * *

Dedicated to the memory of BloodyBrit. Rest well. We've kept your seat in the Rose Garden. 

Thanks to Caligoiel for pre-reading this fic.

_Non Timetis Messor:_ Pratchett readers will recognise this phrase as the family motto of Mort, Duke of Sto Helit, and that it translates to "Don't fear the Reaper".

And something that didn't really fit anywhere…

"Death gives birth to nothing."

OF COURSE NOT. DO THESE LOOK LIKE CHILD-BEARING HIPS TO YOU?


End file.
